Are you a redian?

May 24, 2013 by  

Are you a redian? Want to find out about the most promising political movement on the planet and its promise of communities of freedom, harmony, and abundance? Read on.

Some redians, want Quebec to separate (and proudly take down Canadian red and white flags to replace them with blue and white Quebec ones). Some redians want Toronto always to win versus the Habs, and will refuse to wear a red Habs hocket shirts, instead wearing only a blue Leafs shirts. Some hate the taste of red peppers, and want only green peppers on their pizza. Some avoid embarrassment, because it causes them to be red in the face, which they hate. Some want a violence-free world, because they hate the sight of blood, which is red. And so on.

The bottom line is this: if you want less red, no matter what your reasons, there’s great news: you’re not alone! You are a redian too!! In fact, you don’t need any reasons at all: if it feels anti-red, do it!

Every year, redians like to get together at an annual Redian Summer Seminar. There, they hear from distinguished statisticians who speak about which countries have the least amount of red things in them. They hear from philosophers, who explain that the philosophies of John Locke, Thomas Jefferson, Ludwig von Mises, Ayn Rand, and Murray Rothbard actually are redian philosophies (hey Objectivists: you’re redian too! Ayn Rand hated the reds). They hear from hard core redians who explain how great it is in one violence-plagued, poverty stricken, theocratic African country in which there is no red at all, and they are encouraged to move there. They hear from sociologists whose studies indicate that countries with the least amount of red clothing, food, and consumer goods overall report the highest level of being happy. They drink beer, sing anti-red folk songs, eat good food, get hassled by by-law officers, and talk about how it’s too early for the electoral success of a redian political party (though both of the active members of the Redian Party are usually in attendance, hoping to double their numbers). They have a great time, even if they go home with the horrible feeling that there’s no hope for the success of anti-red government.

Some redians agree that the redian movement is made up of both min-redians (who want some red eliminated, but not all red eliminated), and an-redians (who want no red things to exist at all). The an-redians tend to say that the min-redians are “not consistent redians”. The min-redians agree with much of what the an-redians say about economics, but they think an-redians give redism and redians a bad name. In fact, some min-redians deny that an-redians are redians at all, though they don’t usually get into the reasons why.

Disappointed by the lack of electoral success of Redian political parties, some advocate joining more successful parties, and effecting redian change from within. Unfortunately, the term “redian” has recently gained some street credibility even among Conservatives, some of whom call themselves “redian Conservatives”, but who then vote in favour of pro-red laws.

There have been a few recent newsworthy redian Conservatives, including noted redian Red Paul. That said, Red Paul’s son, has been a particular disappointment. Then again, Red himself advocated pro-red laws at the state-level even while he opposed pro-red laws at the federal level, because he is a constitutional redian. Still, it’s cool to have someone who is actually elected saying things that are redian.

Some think the very term “redian” is curiously oxymoronic. “Redian suggests that you want more red, not that you want less” say some, adding “Wouldn’t anti-redian be a more appropriate word to describe your opposition to all things red?”. Such people should be forgiven for their lack of enlightenment. You see, the term “redian” is firmly rooted in the tradition of naming an idea by the thing opposed by the idea. For example, “socialism” is actually anti-social, “libertarianism” is actually anti-liberty, “humanism” tends to be anti-human, etc. So it is with “redism”: redism is anti-red.

Let me therefore close by quoting the leader of the anti-government, anti-liberty “Libertarian Party of Ontario”. “If we”, redians, “are attempting to bring about a new world order, one person at a time, then we must include everyone within our fold, including” not only people who oppose red, but also those who would force us at gun point to wear Santa suits and eat red peppers while having a blood transfusion. Redian “persuasion should be universally applied”. We must not let immaterial, petty disagreements among ourselves concerning what colour is red, or whether a colour can be known without anyone using their eyes, or whether opposing red is good or evil, or whether the absence of redness requires laws and government. We must come together under one big, redian tent, so long as that tent is not red. As a retired Canadian soldier recently told me: better dead than red.


One Response to “Are you a redian?”

  1. Mike Greaves on July 18th, 2013 8:35 pm

    Nice parable Paul. Didn’t notice it earlier.

    I’ve often wanted to crash the LSS while wearing a Nazi uniform, and tell them that *just like them*, I hated communism, and was opposed to foolish U.S. military adventurism!


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